Wow, it’s been almost 2 months since my last post! I wouldn’t have thought summer could possibly be busier than the rest of the year, but it turns out that it is. Anyway, I’ve been mulling over some conflicting thoughts about bathing suits all summer, and I thought I’d take a moment to write them out.
Basically, I’ve been facing a one-piece vs. two-piece head battle. Here’s how the sides stack up:
One-pieces: At this point in my life and in my fat acceptance, I feel quite comfortable in my particular one-piece suit in most swimming situations I can imagine myself in. The suit is an expensive one that I bought a few years ago and that sits beautifully on my body, and although I’ve gained weight since I bought it, this magical suit still fits me quite well. The only nagging thought when I wear a one-piece is that people are thinking I must be ashamed of my body and that that’s why I’m “covering it up”. And I don’t want to be thought of as someone ashamed of my body, because I am not! And I want to be an example of a confident fat person. Because vocalizing my opinions regarding fat acceptance are difficult for me, living as a confident fat person IS something I can do.
Two-pieces: A few years ago I also bought a beautiful and expensive bikini. At the time, it fit nicely, but it does not anymore, and I have donated it away. I have tried to find a replacement bikini, but this has proved to be difficult and impractical (and thus far not successful). Physical stores are out, because even if they have bikini tops that can physically fit my breasts (not a common occuence), these tops are just not designed to support them. And as for online stores–I haven’t had much luck there either because of the limited selection of plus-size bikinis in general. I’ve started to think that maybe I would just be more comfortable sticking to one-pieces, but I can’t tell if that’s because I haven’t found a good bikini that fits me properly, if it’s just that I don’t like feeling like I’m in my underwear in front of everyone, or if it’s because it would make me uncomfortable to know that other people were uncomfortable being with my fat in a much more obvious way. Or it might be a combination of these issues. I know that even a few years ago when I was in the “normal” weight range, I felt uncomfortable being in a bikini around my family. This is probably both because I’m not the kind of person who walks around in my underwear with my family, but also because of my issues with weight and food that relate to my family. Anyway, at the time, I decided I just wouldn’t wear a bikini in front of my family again, and I still think I want to stick with that, but as for wearing a bikini in other circumstances…I feel mixed. I just wish I could more easily find a bikini that fit me so that I could make a decision about bikinis knowing that I’ve felt as comfortable wearing one as I possibly could.